only you can revoke it
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Through the years, Kazuki struggles to understand his sense of self with Juubei quietly watching him as he does so...


disclaimer: yui doesn't own get backers.  
  
"Where do you get it, Kazuki?" Juubei asked me as we were walking through the streets of Tokyo.   
  
As the leaves were falling to the ground, I picked one up by its stem and stopped to look at it. I saw that it was brown and it was at the point of dying, but it was still so pretty. Then, a gust of wind came and I let it go.  
  
I didn't look at him, and nor did I smile. With a tone that I knew he couldn't read, I simply answered, "Why ask such questions?"  
  
There's a reason for everything, but that didn't mean it was explainable.  
  
only you can revoke it.  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
I remembered coming here to this fortress made of steel. It was a paradise and hell that my mother shouted for me to run to. Without a second thought, I went there with my hand clinging onto Juubei's. I followed him with my full trust, wondering what he ever saw in someone such as me.  
  
When we first got here, I remembered sleeping on a dark, abandoned street.  
  
No one ever talks about sleeping like a homeless person, but that's what I did. With the clothes on my back, I sat in an alleyway with Juubei standing with his head down.  
  
I looked up at him and said, "Are you sure?"  
  
I even got up to wipe his face with a piece of my shirt, which I had torn off with my teeth. "You look so tired."  
  
He only grunted and stood in front of me with a strong resolve that I couldn't quite protest to. After all, if I did anything now, what would it do now? I would have insulted him and his care.   
  
I nodded my head slowly as I continued to wipe his face. "All right then."  
  
I sat down and went to sleep.  
  
I wasn't humiliated at all, but I was angry. Tears started coming out of my eyes before I noticed they were even there. My hands were clenched in fists.   
  
I was sobbing.  
  
It was funny though. Juubei took off his shirt and threw it over my face. Then, he stood before me.   
  
I started to laugh. "What are you doing?"  
  
I wiped my face with his slightly-burnt shirt.  
  
"No one should see you cry."  
  
Blinking at him, I put my hand over my mouth. "You're so funny, Juubei."  
  
He didn't say anything and nor did he turn around. He just stood before me with his back to me.   
  
"Thanks..." I said with a smile on my face, using his shirt as a pillow.  
  
And soon, we made this place our home.  
  
We trained and tried our best to survive. It wasn't easy when you lived all your life in luxury. At times that I seemed like a bratty princess, Juubei would laugh at my follies. If his hand went on my shoulder, I had gone too far.  
  
I was so humbled...  
  
One doesn't think their traditions are strange when they live enclosed from the world. They may hear the news that passes through the mouths of people or read the fine print they called 'the happenings' within society, but on the most part, people are detached.  
  
I include myself in this, as ashamed as I would hate to admit it. When something doesn't affect you, you turn your eyes away making it seem that it didn't reach your own world.  
  
I lived in a home that was quite well off and some part of me took that for granted. No matter how grateful I was for my family, its name, its prestige, and everything that came along with it, I never thought it would happen to me.  
  
I never thought I would have ended up in a place where fear and hope clashed so much that indifference was a sign of humanity on anyone's part.  
  
"Are you a girl or a boy?" a boy asked me as I was practicing the koto. I had found the instrument by chance because someone offered to me while I was passing by.  
  
From my bowed position, I raised my head and looked at him. With a polite, yet sharp tone, I replied, "What does that matter?"  
  
Then, I looked down again.  
  
I never thought of myself as female or male.  
  
The only thing I knew was that I was a being called 'Kazuki'.   
  
This being had to become stronger and even more intelligent. I can't distinguish between genders because I think they're inane mental constructs.  
  
Besides, if I was a boy that wore women's clothing to practice my art, does that make me any less masculine? On the reverse, does it make me feminine?  
  
So, what the hell did it really matter?  
  
The black-haired little boy with slanted eyes and a green shirt didn't give up so easily. In fact, he was so appalled by my answer that he brought even more friends with him to pick on me.   
  
"Maybe we should teach you a lesson since you don't know your place," a tall, lanky boy said.  
  
I didn't even glance at him, but with a slight bow of my head, I smiled. "Please leave."  
  
The group of five boys now stood around me, with eyes so filled with ignorance and hate, began their stupid remarks. I listened indifferently while continuing to play the koto.  
  
I never understood how people could easily hate what they couldn't understand.  
  
As their leader was about to grab my shoulder, I lifted up my arm and pulled on my strings with my fingers.   
  
Blood began to drip from his wrist and I turned my head towards him. "I asked you nicely. I can't believe you would pick a fight for such a stupid reason."  
  
"Kazuki!" Juubei shouted as the crowd turned towards him. It wasn't a cry of protection, but one of scolding.  
  
I let go of the leader and all of them pathetically ran away from me, still shouting insults while staring at Juubei's eyes in fear.  
  
I continued to play the koto out in the sunlight. I looked down at the koto as it began to become blurry in my field of vision.  
  
He was coming closer and closer, but I stood up with the koto in my hands. "Please leave me alone, Juubei."  
  
Not this time. He shook his head and forcefully took my wrist. Walking noisily through the streets, we came to my room and he threw me to my bed.  
  
"What the hell was that, Kazuki?" he harshly asked as he stood behind the closed door with angry eyes. "I leave you for a few hours to go get stuff and I find you fighting with a whole gang?"  
  
"I told them to leave, but they didn't know their place," I answered with a serious face as I sat up with defiant eyes. "That's the only way to survive here. They have to know who is more skilled."  
  
At that moment, his eyes opened widely as he sighed. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I tried to pull away out of my anger, but I found myself leaning my head on his upper abdomen. "You know more than _anyone_ that that isn't the way. You aren't that way, Kazuki. Don't let this place change you."  
  
  
  
I closed my eyes because I didn't want to cry. I was angry and I was hurt, but I didn't know how to express it at all. How could I tell Juubei that this was one of few things that annoyed me to no end?  
  
"I'm mad..." I whispered as I clenched my hands in fists while holding onto my pants.  
  
"What exactly are you mad at?" he asked me as he ran his fingers through my hair.  
  
"Everything." I took a deep breath and painfully continued, "There's so much that I don't know what to do about it."  
  
"Whatever you do, I'll support you, Kazuki, but don't change." His grip on me became even tighter. "If you do, I wouldn't know who to protect. There would be no point in me being here."  
  
I opened my eyes and kneeled on the bed to grab his face in between his hands. Frantically, I looked into his eyes and I shook my head. Then, I stared into his eyes again.   
  
I was searching for an answer, but it wasn't with him. It was only within me.  
  
But I was becoming impatient as to what that was.  
  
Pulling him close, I closed my eyes as I felt my forehead touch his. "How do you put up with my selfishness?"  
  
I could hear his monotonous tone convey a smile as he responded, "I took the whole package when I made that promise. Only you can revoke it."  
  
"Never gonna happen..." I said as I slipped my hands onto his shoulders and put my arms around his shoulders. Then, I leaned my face even closer to him and kissed his lips.   
  
You're so odd, Juubei...  
  
I never forgot that day because from then on, my mentality grew and I also saw Juubei in a different light.  
  
I had to keep all my good traits and discard all the things that I deemed as weak. I had to shape myself into someone I was proud of, but someone that Juubei recognized as 'me'.  
  
Surely, he had his own struggles, but he only told me those things once in a while. Juubei was unfair that way.  
  
He always wanted to take my pain, but never wanted to share his or let me bear his.  
  
As the years went by, after everything that's happened, I still can't believe he put up with me. We laugh and we fight, but in the end, we still move forward.  
  
Now, it is me who takes Juubei's hand and pulls him to go around Tokyo. "You need to relax."  
  
"Doesn't it feel like we've changed roles?" he said as I looked at him and through his sunglasses. "Before, you were so uptight, you never wanted to walk out of Mugenjyou."  
  
I bought him some chocolate and he ate it silently as we walked around the town as if we had never done this before.   
  
"Don't you ever think I'm odd?" I asked Juubei.  
  
I only cared for his opinion on this subject.  
  
"Don't you hate it when I don't speak too often?" he countered.  
  
"Even if we didn't make a promise, would you have-"  
  
"Why do you ask such things?" He took a piece of my hair and shook his head. Then, he let go.  
  
We stopped walking and found ourselves on a tree-lined park filled with so many falling leaves. I was overjoyed by the beauty around me.  
  
I was once like these leaves, floating with the wind.  
  
"Kazuki, I admire you not because you have a pretty face." He smiled as he cleared his throat. "Not because of your skill either. It isn't even because of your ability to be composed at every situation."  
  
"Then what?" I looked at him with a curious expression, trying not to laugh at the way he became a bit nervous.  
  
I hold onto his hand and try to understand the person whose eyes will never stare into mine ever again.  
  
"Your strength, Kazuki. And the strength of your sincerity." He slightly smiled at me.   
  
"Juubei..." I smiled.  
  
Thank you...  
  
And with that expression, I thought he had the most beautiful face.  
  
It was so poetic and strong at the same time.  
  
"Where do you get it, Kazuki?"  
  
"Why ask such questions?" I pulled on his hand and we began walking again.  
  
Quietly, we went around, but when we went back to our room, I pulled his face again in between my hands. Whispering into his ear, I teased, "You really want me to answer your question?"  
  
Slowly, he nodded his head and I laughed at his boyishness. Then, I guided his hands to take off my shirt.  
  
Smiling even wider, I lovingly told him, "You."  
  
But before he could answer me, I took off his sunglasses and began to kiss him while slowly reclining onto the bed...  
  
Living life isn't easy. Love is even harder than that. Revenge is an ugly thing that will never end because there is nothing after it. Being poor was materially limiting. Being judged and discriminated is so debilitating. Being feared isn't power, but a false sense of control. Gender was only a social construct...  
  
I had so many questions, but step-by-step, I was learning the answers. We were learning together.  
  
What mattered the most was never to put constraints against your mind or else you'd never get anywhere...  
  
That's what you taught me, Juubei.  
  
This was your gift to me: Yourself.  
  
With that, I was able to find myself as well.  
  
I never know how to describe myself to anyone, even to myself, but it doesn't really matter, does it?  
  
My heart and mind are in the right place, so I have nothing to fear.  
  
All I know is that I am 'Kazuki'.  
  
And I won't ever lose myself.  
  
Owari  
  
--  
  
author's notes: I was thinking of another series to do and I thought about Get Backers. ^___^ I really do love and admire Kazuki, but more than that, for the past few days, I've had to deal with a lot of mental issues that have been racking my brain. Somehow, I thought it would be best to bring this out through Kazuki rather than Ryuichi or Subaru today.  
  
I hope that I have captured the desired effect. I am fascinated by Kazuki's character because he's so intricate as his strings. It may seem out of character, but I do not think so. I wanted to present Kazuki as a well-rounded character, but also experiment with him as well.  
  
I named this 'only you can revoke it' for both of them. Juubei said it, but I wanted it to also represent that Kazuki never to be ashamed or reject 'yourself'.  
  
This fic is to you my muse. So spoiled!  
  
I hope you are feeling better... 


End file.
